Starting Fresh

It's been a while. I love myself and that's why I want to start taking care of myself. I feel really vulnerable and almost embarrassed for my future self because I already feel like I'm going to fail. I don't believe in myself, but a part of me wants to so that's why I'm putting this out there.

Highest Weight: 224 (after Jones)
My starting weight: 185
Current Weight: 177
Months loss: 8 pounds
Total Loss: 47 pounds


I've had my second child. I battled with postpartum depression again and I am still battling with sleep deprivation which leads to multiple issues. I feel really weak. I almost feel my will is not my own when my child starts to scream and I have no idea how to soothe my nerves, but, "man, do I deserve some comfort food"...which is the wrong mindset. I need to escape from my escape of food because it's not safe. I'm overweight, pre diabetic...(I'm guessing since I had gestational diabetes again I am a high risk) and I'm not happy. I look in the mirror and feel alright, I still like having my picture taken, but I don't feel like me. My body is really weirdly shaped and maybe that's just from after having two children, but I'm not going around telling people I have baby weight. No, at this point I'm just a big girl. Slim thick. haha. That's what I tell myself when I want to feel better. Or I imagine myself as one of those beautiful soft women in Greek paintings.

I have been gaining and losing weight for a while now. When I stepped on the scale at the beginning of October I was 185. That's what I weighed before I was pregnant with Jonah. My lowest after Jonah was 169 though and I've been beating myself up for giving up and not trying.

I don't care enough. I've been big for a while now. I don't think I've been below 160 since my wedding day back in 2012. In fact, I don't even know how much I weighed on my wedding day because I was just happy. I knew I had gained weight though so I definitely avoided scales! I weighed myself 6 months after being married and weighed 185. I cried. I lost 10 pounds in one week and then found out I was pregnant with Eli and ate for two...which now I know is something I definitely didn't need to do. haha

Sorry if my thoughts run on or scattered. This is like a therapy for me and like my little journal to let out a lot of toxic feelings and thoughts.

Also, I won free botox at the end of this month so it's giving me this extra push to come to a place where I take care of myself and stop letting myself (my body and my soul) slowly slip away. This is going to be not only a physical journey but also an emotional journey because I know I can't succeed unless I change my thought patterns.

I'll keep you updated on botox (haha, actually very nervous for this) and what has been working for me.

For this month my husband and I bought an elliptical off of facebook marketplace for $40 and I've been doing an hour of interval training on it every morning. I've also been intermittent fasting with eating hours being from noon to seven. I've been trying to calorie count, and not to binge eat...but haven't been doing very good on either of those this month. PS look at that sweat! I love exercising in the comfort of my home. I can let out all the sweat and not be afraid of looking nasty or being judged hahaha

February!

Current Weight: 178
Highest Weight: 213
Goal Weight: 135...(sorry if it keeps changing!! xD)

I only lost two pounds within the last couple of weeks, but that's ok because I feel a million times better. Look past the arm saggies beneath and look at my cute wittle muscle bulge!! I know this is kind of weird, but I have always wanted to be really strong. I feel strong, but I want to look fierce! hahaha, just a dream, but I'll work at it :3

Did you know...that after I work out it looks as if I've taken a shower. SO GROSS. This is why I enjoy working out alone. But, I do love me some good Zumba, I just make sure to put my heart into it so people think that's why I sweat so much hahaha. 

I've been meal planning, with the help of pinterest, some healthy dinners, so hopefully that will help me focus more on health. I've also been exercising everyday, except Sundays. I go to Zumba Mondays and Saturdays. I do an intense toning class Tuesdays and Fridays. And I do Jillian Michaels 'Ripped in Thirty' DVD Wednesdays and Thursdays. I canNOT wait until it starts to warm up outside. I miss running. It's been too cold and snowy to take Eli out.

Good luck in your journey and make sure if you have treats at Valentines to share...or indulge...haha ;)

January

Highest Weight: 213

Current Weight: 180

Goal Weight: 135

Okay! Let's talk about new beginnings since it's January. haha Well 2015 was crazy and possibly an absolute train wreck at the end for me. I was finishing college and one week later John and I made a big move to another state so I was frantically packing and cleaning. Now we're in a new town and I know no one. BUT I have branched out and found a good group of girls that get together and exercise! It makes me happy that they welcomed me :) 

Also, let's talk about the importance of wearing clothes that fit. hahaha! This workout top is two sizes too small, but I love it and it was $3...soo. I'll look good in it one day ;) AND it has support like you wouldn't believe. Not sure what else to say, only to say that I'll never give up no matter how many times I do xD 

On a side note, my husband found a pair of my work trousers from my job in high school and was like, "I found some pants and I don't know who's they are!" I came in the room and was like, "Oh, those were my favorites from working at Vons." He says, "But the waist is so tiny." And then looked at my pants then at me. :( That was sad for me, but we laughed about it. Although, I have no plans for fitting back into those pants...I just want to be healthy and feel better about myself. Plus, sometimes Eli (my 2 year old son) plays with my double chin and it just feels so gross hahaha. 

"Sweat like a pig, feel like a fox." Happy journeying :D

Getting back at it

So...some bad news and some good news. This year I haven't done so well at keeping my weight off and I have gone on not only a weight roller coaster, but also an emotional roller coaster. I am sad to say that I am back at 180. It takes a lot from my pride to admit this, but I feel if I just come out and say it, I'll feel more accountable to be consistent in my healthy lifestyle.

Good news, I have been exercising every day for the last month! But, nothing has happened because of my poor eating habits. To help me be better my friend recommended I sign up for emeals through groupon and I did. I signed up to get low calorie dinners and so far all of them have been really tasty, healthy and extremely filling. I am excited to start sharing my progress and struggles with all of you again.

Current Weight: 180
Highest Weight: 213
Goal Weight: 135

 I'll post an update every first week of a new month! If you have an suggestions feel free to share :)

I'm grateful to my husband who takes me random places I want to have my picture taken haha. I was hoping to take an after picture once this tree has grown and I have shrunk!

Month 12! I've been at it a year!

HW: 213

CW: 156

GW: 135

First of all, sorry I missed a month! I did end up winning the health challenge! Woot Woot! After that though I haven't been doing much for myself or for my health. Fitting into some old jeans and into goal clothes had me satisfied with how I look and that distracted me from focusing on health. My husband took a picture of our son and I am candidly in the background and I just look horrible. It really got me down because I feel that I still look like I'm 180. 

On the bright side...I've lost 57 pounds in one year! This next year I only have about 20 pounds to lose :) 

I feel positive about this, but I am also scared because my lifestyle right now is for a 156 pound me, not a 135 pound me. Change is scary, but thinking of staying unhealthy like I am now and what that means for my future is even more scary.

Month 10: Breakthrough!!

Current weight: 158
Highest weight: 213
Goal Weight: 135

Wow guys. I lost nine pounds last month! I am so happy that I am finally on a roll again. What changed is that I am in school so I walk home from school almost everyday. Also, I started a weight loss challenge which has me keeping a food journal and exercise journal. I know this is kind of weird, but I also bought a scale and I love it. I always see people hating their scale, but I enjoy being able to see the number progress. I honestly feel that having it in my bathroom helps me make better choices.
...I am also writing a fitness journal for a class I'm taking, which is called American Epidemic...here is an entry haha
I am doing a fitness challenge and there is a ten dollar amazon gift card, I think I'm going to win it. I actually think I might win the whole challenge. In that last month I've lost about ten pounds and I only have two more to hit my goal and I have about twenty more days to lose two pounds...totally do-able. To be honest though I want to lose about twenty five more pounds! I really need to start eating like I am 135! I want to get into the natural thing and healthy eating. It is so hard though because food preparation takes longer. I LOVE cooking, but I am in school and I am taking care of my little boy 24/7. Health is super important though, the more time I spend preparing healthy food, the more time I will have in this life!

Month 9! Back to cool!

HW: 213
CW: 167

So, I didn't lose any weight last month, but to be honest I wasn't trying at all. For some reason, I just gave up and didn't have the desire or will power to keep going on. I signed up for a weight loss challenge though and I am so excited to participate in it. It starts September 15th (the same day as my college!) I know I will continue striving to become better and healthier. I just have to be aware of the little choices I make each day.